Working with Difficult People &
How to Succeed in Spite of Them

Sharks believe life is a scarcity game and there must be a winner and a loser in everything. Their brain operates on aggression neuro-chemicals. They're adrenaline junkies lacking in flexibility, compassion and insight. They roil the waters, creating a dramatic flurry of frenzy and in the fear and confusion they have the only solution. It's a feeding frenzy. Ego, position, and influence are their quest. Threats and fear are their tools. They believe that when a winner commits, whatever it takes are the dues for winning. To be in control requires constant patrol and being a shark is frightening and lonely. Excerpted from: www.abetterday.net

"Have you learned lessons only from those who admired you and were tender with you and stood aside for you? Have you not also learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you?" - Walt Whitman

Conflict at work is unavoidable, inevitable and necessary, especially in Corrections. We all have different styles of working. Sometimes we must work with people who are difficult. These are the ones who grate on our nerves, make us cringe, and infuriate our sense of work-place ethics and decorum. They wobble, they stall, they rant; they blame; they hide; they lie. A few employees can create serious issues in the entire work environment.

For years, DOC Deputy Secretary George Denman has kept an article by a 19th century writer Voltaire Cousteau called How to Swim with Sharks: A Primer. The article begins:

"Actually, nobody wants to swim with sharks. It is not an acknowledged sport and it is neither enjoyable nor exhilarating. These instructions are written primarily for the benefit of those who by virtue of their occupation, find they must."

Denman says the advice is appropriate in a prison dorm or in a corporate board room. "The most important thing to remember is, if you're not sure what kind of fish you are dealing with, you better assume it is a shark. And never let them see you bleed!"

LEARN WHERE YOU FIT IN.

Researching "difficult people" makes really enjoyable reading as the different types are identified with funny names such as: the Exploder, the Shark, the Sherman Tank, the Volcano, the Rambler, the Sniper, the Clam, the Bulldozer, the Crybaby, the Rumormonger, the Not-My-Jobber, the Critic, the Locomotive, the Staller, the Balloon, the Wet Blanket, the Super Agreeable, the Complainer, the Space Cadet, etc. Interestingly, it doesn't take long to find one's own tendencies among the types. That is an enlightening moment! Almost no one is exactly like any of the defined "difficult" people. Most of us take turns at being hard to get along with. Learning where each of us fits and what each of us might be doing unconsciously to increase tension is helpful. On the internet, you can use Google - or any other online search engine - to locate insightful help under a search of "working with difficult people."

Researching "difficult people" makes really enjoyable reading as the different types are identified with funny names such as: the Exploder, the Shark, the Sherman Tank, the Volcano, the Rambler, the Sniper, the Clam, the Bulldozer, the Crybaby, the Rumormonger, the Not-My-Jobber, the Critic, the Locomotive, the Staller, the Balloon, the Wet Blanket, the Super Agreeable, the Complainer, the Space Cadet, etc.

It's not just inmates or probationers that are difficult to deal with. Sometimes our fellow workers cause us havoc as well. The department is like a family, but even families have conflict!

It seems sometimes as if certain people make it their duty to create misery, but what can we do to protect ourselves and the mission of the department from the mayhem they cause?

Some co-workers are textbook cases of poor personality development. Yet, we cannot do our job without them. Reality is, they are not going to change, so what does a professional do?

There is research about all of this. Some of it says that problematic interpersonal behaviors result from low self-esteem. That is, individuals compensate for feelings of inadequacy by "acting-out" in some manner.

EXPLODER: Trainer Ron Hauser says this is the employee that creates the most resentment up and down the chain of command. Human resources trainer Pamela Jett Aal says, "Do the unexpected. Because difficult people are so accustomed to their difficult behavior working, one of the most effective techniques in dealing with them is to do something different from what they anticipate." For example, if you deal with an Exploder, they often expect that you will have an equally extreme emotional response. Instread, just let them run down. Throw them off track. When they yell, remain calm. Don't forget to breathe (adults tend to forget to breathe when under stress). Lower your voice and calmly restate your position, request, or idea.

Other research says they just aren't interested in their jobs. Yet, other research contradicts both theories.

To test these hypotheses, one study tested 169 law enforcement officers from three different law enforcement agencies. These officers were administered both a self-esteem inventory and a vocational interest survey. Their supervisors were asked to rate their officers on the extent to which the officers used the difficult behaviors described throughout this article - gossiping, disagreeing, complaining, knowing-it-all, yelling, apathy, sarcasm, unresponsiveness, indecisiveness, and overly agreeable.

Several interesting results came from this study. The first is that the outcome of a factor analysis showed these difficult behaviors were falling under two basic types; aggressive behaviors (gossiping, disagreeing, complaining, knowing-it-all, yelling, sarcasm, and apathy) and passive behaviors (unresponsiveness, indecisiveness, and overly agreeable).

The significance of this finding is that difficult employees are more inclined to use several problematic behaviors, such as yelling, whining, and gossiping, as opposed to just one.

The second result, which is contrary to much of the literature on self-esteem, is that overall self-esteem did not significantly correlate with any of the two types of behaviors.

Based on this study, there is no indication that difficult people use aggressive or passive behaviors because they feel less worthy than other people.

Robert Bramson, the author of Coping with Difficult People, reminds us we don't have to get along with fellow employees to work with them. However, it helps to know how they think and how to work with a particular hang up.

For example, he describes the Sherman Tank as an employee that literally rolls over his/her fellow workers. He or she has a need to show they are always right and can win any confrontation. This person tends to make up their mind before all the evidence is available, and it is not uncommon for the person to throw a temper tantrum ignoring the feelings and reactions of others.

Bransom tells us that to cope with the Sherman Tank, be firm and persistent in discussing issues. Do not yell back or lose your temper. It won't help to try to convince this person to be nice or fair. Rather, if you show there is a cost to having this kind of attitude, it may grab their attention.

Organizational Consequences of Difficult Employees

Difficult employees cause organizational damage. Their behavior is a source of low morale, interpersonal and group conflict, and increased turnover caused by others' attempts to get away. And there's no question that constant negativity, bullying, back-stabbing, and other aggressive behaviors wear down and intimidate even the most optimistic of employees.

This harm equates to lost dollars for the organization in at least two ways. First, as other employees leave, additional money must be spent on recruiting and training replacements.

Second, many organizations spend a tremendous amount of money on thirdparty intervention to handle the conflict resulting from difficult employees' behaviors. No one will go the extra mile for a coworker whom they resent and do not respect. It affects the organization's effectiveness.

TURTLES decided as children that being player was too risky. Staying out of the game was better than risking public humiliation. They believe history is to be followed so they cite the old book of rules thinking that's where their greatest safety is. Decisions, change and responsibility are their enemy. Turtles paralyze committees, often have influence by withholding information until too late in the decision-making process. And when crisis hits, turtles use blame and shame saying, "Nothing could have been done," before retreating into their shells. When a turtle gets mugged by a pack of snails their explanation is, "I didn't see them coming. It all happened so fast!" If it isn't sunny and warm, turtles hibernate in the mud. Sharks like to appoint turtles to committees and boards. The Dolphin plays while thriving in a tough environment. They read the currents and use flow. Responding independently or with a team, they realize scarcity and abundance can exist and they take responsibility for both. DOLPHINS respond quickly to change. They release old habits, become students of what's happening in the big picture now and create ingenious breakthroughs. Dolphins peak as gentle leaders, generous with choice, self-esteem and opportunity. They understand that prolonged power elevates those who empower others. If a dolphin isn't alone in a shark tank, they're usually deadly to sharks. To work successfully with sharks and turtles, feed their agendas as you calm their fears. Keep them feeling safe while you play with other dolphins. Excerpted from: www.abetterday.net

So, the world must be full of "difficult" people. If you don't believe it, do an internet search for "handling difficult people" and you will find literally hundreds of web-sites - most of them advertising books and workshops for sale. These sites offer advice on dealing with bullies, criticizers, victims, liars, patronizers, evaders - among others!

This must be a universal problem, because a lot of people seem to be making good money from telling others how to deal with it.

Eleanor Roosevelt said we teach people how to treat us. So, even if you are very good at the game you can still get attacked.

Deputy Secretary Denman's article recommends that we use "anticipatory retaliation." The article states, "Sharks rarely attack without warning. Usually there is some tentative, exploratory aggressive action. It is important that the swimmer recognize the prelude to an attack and takes prompt and vigorous remedial action, most appropriately, a sharp blow to the nose." Of course this is usually not literal!

There are all kinds of resources on the web for learning coping strategies for working with difficult people.

Here are just a few of many websites on the subject of working with difficult people:

• www.abetterday.net
• www.chiroweb.com
• www.wendwell.com
• www.susankramer.com
• www.wisdomstore.com
• www.dealingwithdifficultpeople.com
• www.psychologyforbusiness.com

 

Ten Commandments of Confrontation Do it privately, not publicly. Do it as soon as possible. Speak to one issue at a time. Once you've make a point, don't keep repeating it. Deal only with behaviors the person can change. Avoid sarcasm. Avoid words like "always" and "never." Present criticisms as suggestions or questions if possible. Don't apologize for the confrontation. Don't forget the compliments. This article was comprised from information from many sources by Jo Ellyn Rackleff, public information specialist, the Office of Public Affairs. rackleff.joellyn@mail.dc.state.fl.us

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Excerpted from Difficult Personalities by Gary S. TOPCHIK

Have a creative approach? Do you have a different way of doing something or a new suggestion?

If you do, the Criticizer will knock it down. His mission is to disagree with anything that is said. He likes to be right, no matter what. He finds problems wherever he goes - never opportunities.

The Criticizer will never give you positive feedback but will always jump on your mistake. His favorite saying is, "Bad idea." Here are two work colleagues discussing an upcoming business trip:

• Colleague: Let's drive instead of flying. We'll get there faster.
  
  
• Criticizer: What, are you crazy?
  
  
• Colleague: Why do you say that?
  
  
• Criticizer: It's just a bad idea.
  
  
• Colleague: OK. Let's fly up tonight so we can be fresh for tomorrow afternoon's presentation.
  
  
• Criticizer: Where are you coming from? Bad idea.
  
  
• Colleague: Why?
  
  
• Criticizer: Trust me on it. You have less experience. Your thinking is illogical.
  
  
• Colleague: Please be specific and explain yourself.
  
  
• Criticizer: What? Now you can't understand me? What's wrong with you?
  
  

The Solution

A Criticizer likes to give negative feedback, but he is rarely specific. Ask him for examples, evidence, or his reasoning for disagreeing. Emphasize that you want to incorporate his concerns to make the project as good as possible. You must be persistent and not give up. He will find it hard to come up with examples or to explain his criticisms. When you ask for details about what he is saying he will often back down with an unproductive criticism. All along, you emphasize that you value his opinion and want to understand his concerns. You say this as politely as possible. Eventually, he'll see that it's too much work to criticize you, because you always press him for more information - information, that he can't give.